The Recent Truth

The harsh truth; I’m really disappointed in myself. When I first created this blog I felt an immense burst of inspiration to write about my travels and help those who wanted to do it themselves. I also wanted to update friends and family who are curious what I’m up to and enjoy reading about my weird little life. But unfortunately I have pushed this blog to the side and quite frankly kinda forgot about it. Then when I would remember and think I should write something, but I would find literally any excuse not to do it. I’m not sure why exactly and I’ve been trying to figure that out. 

For one, I need to be completely alone when I write so I can focus. When I’m in a hostel environment it’s really hard to find that private time and space to post. But for the past 5 months I’ve been living in a house in Melbourne with my own room. So now I have that alone time and I still haven’t written. Clearly that’s not the issue. 

Then I thought a bit deeper into it and I realized I’m not writing mainly out of fear. Fear that the blog will never be read by more than 100 people. Fear that I do the work and try hard and it doesn’t amount to anything. Fear that nobody cares but me. Fear that I’m not good enough. Fear that there are a million travel blogs and influencers who have a huge following and I will never be able to catch up to them. Fear that if I do become remotely successful I would have to be on my phone all the time making content and continually trying to boost my following. I use social media a fair amount but I can easily put it away. I hate being on my phone when I’m with people and I especially hate when people use their phones when they are with me. So if I continue down this path and ultimately get what I’m working for then I’m afraid I will hate the responsibility and it will turn my travels into a job I’ll despise. I think all this fear has paralyzed me and caused me to be emotionally overwhelmed so I just stopped. 

Then my time in Melbourne hasn’t exactly been what I had hoped for. My Australia journey started out really great with my time in Sydney, road trip up the East Coast, and 3 months in Cairns. But since I came to Melbourne I haven’t felt like this is my place. I was hoping my time in Melbourne would give me a chance to slow down and put down some roots. I was craving the normalcy of routine. I know I needed this because when I was in Nicaragua and seeing volcanoes and waterfalls daily, all I could think was “big woop, another volcano. This one isn’t even that cool”. That jaded and spoiled attitude is not the type of traveler I want to be; but because backpacking had become my lifestyle, seeing all these amazing things eventually just became the norm. I wanted to be “bored” again so that I could be amazed by what anyone else would consider amazing. So I knew it was time to settle down for a bit and add some yin to my yang. 

But unfortunately things haven’t really gone my way here recently. I’ve had 7 jobs in 5 months (due to many different circumstances), I don’t have many friends as I moved out of the hostels, my new housemates truly despise me, a guy I really cared about ended things with me, and I’ve been feeling really unmotivated and apathetic. I’m not trying to throw a pity party but I do want to be honest about my experience. This is the longest I’ve been in one place in a while and it feels more like I moved to a new city across the world where I don’t know anybody. It doesn’t really feel like I’m traveling in Australia since I’m staying put so I’m not meeting new people.

On the other hand, I did really want my own space with a big bed and I have just that. My sleep has improved ten fold and I finally got to unpack my bag and hang my clothes up. I enjoy having routine again and being able to make/save money. I like having my go-to cafe and feeling like I’m not lost constantly. Of course I have had some great times too and for that I am thankful. But I didn’t realize how isolating it would be out of the hostel. I’ve tried to integrate myself into a community in other ways by joining a gym, an improv class, and meeting coworkers etc. But still, most of my free time is spent alone. I also haven’t been in a party mood so I’ve barely gone out and met anyone that way. 

I’m realizing for all the solo travel that I’ve done, I actually haven’t spent much time truly alone. I’ve gone on some tours and dinners by myself but I would never go more than a few days without meeting new friends. So I’ve come to realize that this is the first time in my whole life that I’ve been alone. It was a bit of a shock at first and I handled it by retreating into my room and watching way too much Netflix. But I’m writing this blog as proof to myself that I am going to use this time of solitude to better myself and to do the hard things. All by myself. Writing has always come naturally to me since all I ever do is talk so when I write it’s like talking except nobody interrupts me heh. So I am choosing to take all my fear and throw it out the window and just write. I don’t care if nobody reads it and it goes nowhere, I’m going to write it anyway.

I’ve been reading fascinating self help books and listening to loads of podcasts. Shoutout Jay Shetty (Going to see him speak live in a week!!!). I’ve created a lovely morning and night time routine that includes journaling and meditation. I’m going to the gym 4-5 times a week and I’m not using my phone first thing in the morning. I’m not going to seek anything that is external to fill me up. I want to fill up my own cup with nothing but self love and acceptance. Something that I have recently learned is the difference between loneliness and solitude. It’s easy to feel lonely when you are alone but I want to take this unique period in my life to explore my solitude in its fullness. To build myself up and have such a solid foundation that when this time in my life eventually shifts, I know that no matter what I’ve got myself to fall back on. 

I bought my flight to Bali for mid May and I’ll be spending a month backpacking before flying to Greece for my best friends wedding! So I know the next month will be spent bettering myself so that when I’m on the road again, I am happier, healthier, and energized. I am committing myself to writing one post a week again and I hope whoever reads this will keep me accountable for that. I promise the next post won’t be so depressing xx.