Should I Stop Traveling?

I felt like it was time for a little ramble. Welcome to the inside of my brain. The thoughts that rattle around my head constantly. The doubts and fears that permeate my seemingly carefree existence.

I‘ve been at home the past few months saving up for my next big trip to South America. Whenever I’m home, I have the time and space to ponder my lifestyle choices.  Depending on how you look at it, you might think I’m living the dream: always off exploring a new country, swimming in turquoise waters with a fresh tan, not a care in the world. Or you might view things on the opposite side of the spectrum: you look at my life and think I’m avoiding the real world, running away from responsibility, and indulging myself in something that is not sustainable or financially sound.

Well I hate to break it to you but both are true and not true at the same time. 

When I’m off on one of my adventures, I truly feel like I figured out the secret to life. I enjoy every single day. I don’t live for the weekends and hate on Mondays. I wake up giddy with all the possibiltiies of how I get to spend my day. I eat incredible new foods and meet people from all around the world. I wander around new cities in wonder, getting lost on purpose. I say yes to everything new and have experiences people only dream of. Volcano boarding in Nicaragua, scuba diving the Great Barrier Reef in Australia, hang gliding in Guatemala, bungee jumping in Costa Rica, cooking class in Sri Lanka, snorkeling with whale sharks in Indonesia, motorbiking the Ha Giang Loop in Vietnam, temple hopping in Myanmar…and the list goes on. 

I feel like I am truly living. I am out in the world seeing everything this wild planet has to offer. I feel fulfilled in a way that comforts my soul. I feel a part of the traveling community and I have a lot of advice and knowledge to offer newcomers. I feel valued because of my experience and ability to navigate new countries with ease. 

But there comes a time when I’ve run out of money or perhaps I’m a bit burnt out and need time to rest and recharge. So I find a way to either come home or do a working holiday visa (like I did in Australia for the year). I take that time to save up, reset, and then get back out there as soon as I feel able. This phase of my journey is where I am now. I’m home and being back starts to make me think in a different way. I start to think of all I’m not doing. Of all I’m avoiding. Of all I’m missing out on.

I look at my lifestyle choices and I think that I’m not preparing for my future at all. Will I be 35 with $0 in the bank and only memories to show for it? Will I have no discernible work history in the past few years to secure me a decent job? Will I have no semblance of a career, no 401K, no retirement fund? When I’m home I start to wonder if I’m being ignorant. If I’m just assuming everything will work out in the end when in reality I am making no steps to ensure that result. I feel ashamed when people ask me what I do for a living and I don’t have a concrete answer to tell them. I don’t fit in the box society deems as successful. I don’t have one label to define my work experience. I’ve worked as a bartender, server, actress, tour group leader, production assistant, receptionist, princess for kids parties, energy sales agent, hostel activities coordinator, etc etc. I don’t define success by what you do to obtain money, but it seems like everyone else does and that mindset starts to seep in eventually. 

I look around at my friends from home and they seem so far ahead in the game of life. Some are already married with a house and dogs. Others are 5 years into their careers with long term partners. I look at my life and that whole world seems so far away from me. I still feel 21. Heck I sometimes feel 17. I feel like I have my whole life ahead of me but everyone around me seems keenly aware that I’m inching towards 30.  Traveling is amazing but it doesn’t lend itself towards stable long lasting relationships. I’ve had some whirlwind romances but nothing that lasts because that is unfortunately the nature of traveling. Everyone is always off in different directions. I would say it’s one of the biggest cons of this lifestyle. Thats not to say it can never work out, I’ve heard stories and had friends who have met their partners abroad. But in my personal experience, it just hasn’t worked out. 

These are the fears and worries that start to accumulate the longer I’m home. I start to wonder if I should just settle and lay down roots. If I should try to build something real out of my travel experiences or maybe get back into acting. If I should pick a place to live so I can foster a community of my own. That whole life sounds nice to me too, it really does. It’s not that I don’t want this for myself. I just feel like I can have that life one day. But to have the freedom and ability to travel in the way I have been is so rare. To have no apartment, no pets, no relationship, no job, no bills holding me back. Nothing to tie me down. The second you settle down, it becomes 10x harder to leave again. A short trip sure, but to travel for months or years at a time becomes nearly impossible. So I just don’t think I’m ready to give up on the freedom and independence I have right now that enables this lifestyle. 

I want to live so many different lives within this one life. I want to hike to Machu Picchu. I want to live in New Zealand for a year. I want to teach English to kids in Colombia. I want to sit at a cute cafe and be a digital nomad in Brazil. I want experience van life on the Aussie West Coast. I want to ski in the Swiss Alps. I want to be a city girl and live in NYC for a summer. I want to work on this blog more and monetize it. I want, I want, I want. 

So frankly, I’m just not ready yet to choose one life. One path. One route that leads to a certain future. I want the uncertainty. The unknown. The possibilities. I can sleep well at night knowing for 10000% certainty that I have not let my life slip idly by. I truly have no idea what my future holds or how things will look in the end. But what I do know is that I’ve had a hell of a good time and thats all I really think this life is about. To simply experience all there is. Everything else is a construct we silly humans have created. 

This lifestyle does not come without its cons and doubts, but at the end of the day I know that I have truly lived everyday like its my last. So for now, thats enough for me.