10 Day Silent Buddhist Meditation Retreat

When I was in northern Thailand I went on a 10 day silent Buddhist meditation retreat. Actually scratch that, it was supposed to be 10 days but I only lasted about 5. Don’t judge me, it was a lot harder than you think!

I’ve always wanted to go on a meditation retreat to like… find myself you know? So when I was in Pai, Thailand I heard of a Buddhist monastery that takes newcomers and is solely donation based; no reservation needed. My kind of place. There is no direct bus to the monastery from Pai so I booked a ticket to a town much further away but on the same route. When I showed the driver the name of the monastery he seemed to understand what I wanted. After a few hours, the mini bus stopped on the side of the road and the driver motioned for me to get out. It seemed like I was dropped off in the middle of nowhere and I started to worry but I eventually found a sign with an arrow down a forested path. After a sweaty 20 minute walk with my backpack on I finally reached the monastery.

There was no formal orientation or welcome packet. I felt extremely out of place as everyone there was modestly dressed in all white and here I was with a huge backpack on in shorts and a tank top. They quickly handed me some white linen clothes to put over my shorts and had me join the meditation. I had absolutely no idea what I was doing or what I was supposed to be doing. All the sudden I was thrust into a seated silent mediation for 1 hour. I couldn’t stop peaking my eyes open to see if everyone was actually meditating that whole time. I tried some breathing techniques but overall I felt like I was just sitting with my eyes closed. No meditation or zen occurred. After an hour the gong was rung and we began a lying down meditation for 1 hour. Yeah I passed the heck out. Woke up with another ring of the gong. That time the hour passed quickly 🙂

Everyone began to go their separate ways when a volunteer finally signed me in and told me some information. I would be sleeping in a private kuta, which means a room for the women only. I could choose to be silent or not, which is signified by a little name tag. There are separate tables during meal time for those keeping silent. There is no use of electronics. A book is given to you to read about the practices and history of buddhist meditation. Wake up call is at 6am as the rice offering to the monks is at 6:15. After that there is a vegetarian breakfast followed by lesson time from the monks. Then the first of 3 rounds of meditation begin. First walking, then sitting, then laying. After this there is some free time where you can walk around the grounds, sit by the lake, read, or in my case… nap!!

Then there is lunch followed by the second of three rounds of mediation. More free time and then comes the nightly chanting followed by…guess what! More meditating. Oh but wait Tamara you forgot to tell us about dinner! Nope. There is no dinner. Just a ridiculously early breakfast and then lunch. Bed time is around 7 or 8pm. There is tea and coffee always available if you need a little something before bed. My first day I was not at all mentally prepared for the hunger. I had to break my silence and ask a volunteer if there is any food available. He snuck me a ramen packet and I almost cried with gratitude.

The first night in my kuta I resisted the urge to turn on my phone and instead read the mediation book and journaled. I had a really hard time sleeping as it was only 8pm. but after a while I finally fell asleep and was woken at the crack of dawn. I hadn’t gotten up this early my whole trip and my body was not happy with me. But I pulled it together and went to the rice offering where all of the food for breakfast is laid out. Only the men put food into the monks bowls and then the women gestured in respect. After that we were finally able to eat and the food was surprisingly delicious and really flavorful. I sat at the silent table and for the first time in my whole life I just ate. I didn’t watch TV or play with my phone. I didn’t sit across from a friend or call a loved one. I just ate and looked around. I actually paid full attention to the taste of the food and enjoyed taking a break from the usual norms of meal time.

After, the lesson from the monks was really enlightening. He was actually quite funny and explained why some monks are silent and some aren’t. He taught helpful practices while meditating and how to navigate your mind so that when you start thinking of other things you can bring your conscious thought back to your breath. We then embarked on the walking mediation. Paying attention to the feeling of the ground on our feet with each and every step. During the sitting portion I focused on the breathing techniques. During the laying portion I really tried to…nope, I fell asleep again. But hey I woke up at 6am!

I promised myself I would do better in the next round. During the breaks I journaled about what I have been learning, read my book, and I just paid attention to the nature and world around me. After 4 days of the same schedule I finally started to get into the groove of things. I really enjoyed staying silent. No pressure to talk and try to make new friends. This time is for me and only me. Finally focussing on myself and my mental and physical health. Meditation was getting easier and less frustrating. I wasn’t a zen master but I definitely felt myself improving and enjoyed the process. My journal was filling up with insights from the monks and from findings about myself. But on the fourth night when I was in my kuta, I found ants in my bed. Like a shit ton of ants. Then I checked by backpack and there were ants in all of my cosmetics and throughout my clothes. If you know me you know I HATE bugs. Bugs of all shapes and sizes I hate them all, with a fiery passion. I tried to let the annoyance and disgust pass. I tried to use the lessons from the monk about how our emotions can be controlled with conscious thought and all that but I was having a very hard time. I spent the next 2 hours shaking out everything I owned outside to get off the ants. There were too many in my bed so I just stood and paced the small room till the morning came. I packed my stuff and decided to leave that day. Yes I know I’m an overdramatic queen but I’m sorry I just don’t do bugs.

And honestly after 4 days of meditation for 9 hours a day I felt like my brain was going to explode. The monotony was really nice for a few days but I needed social interaction again. So I went to morning meditations, donated to the monastery, and left. I was told by one of the volunteers that there is a bus that drives by around 12pm to take me back to Pai. So I walked the 20 minutes back to the street and waited.  Then waited. And waited some more. It was 1:30pm and no bus in sight. I had lost hope. So for the first time in my life I held out my thumb. I had seen it in the movies but had never done it myself. It felt weird and made me self-conscious but I held out my thumb for the passing cars and hoped somebody nice and safe would stop.

Cars flew by without a glance in my direction for about 20 minutes. I was starting to think I would have to walk when a car finally stopped!! It was a middle aged Thai man in the car and when I said Pai?? He gave me a thumbs up. So I prayed I wouldn’t get murdered and went against everything I have ever learned as a kid as I got in a strangers car. We started driving when I looked around and realized the car was being held together by a string. You could see the underworking of the car as the seats, steering wheel, and doors looked like they had been hit by a hurricane. The window was stuck all the way down, there was trash in the back seat, the stereo was just a giant hole where a stereo was supposed to be. Oh and there were ants. I did think for a moment I brought the ants with me but then I looked at the trash everywhere and realized it couldn’t have been me. Although I was a tad worried, I really needed the ride so I was thankful and smiled at the random man.